With a lot of downtime on the blog and basically a decaying brain at home with nothing to do but play COD and being a rotting potato on my bed, I’ve come to a few (late) conclusions as to why being an adult sucks. It doesn’t just suck a little bit. It swallows a huge, wet, not-so-awesome chunk of suck that if this was metaphorically true for a person, it would be better to die than to go through sucking that much.

Okay. It doesn’t suck that much – there are some advantages to being an adult, but for the sake of my argument and in comparison to being a kid, it still just ends up being on the heavy end of the “suck” spectrum.

As a result of all this useless time thinking about the universe, how deep the ocean really is, and life… I was able to come up with a list that you could probably (most likely) relate to if you are reading this.

1. Money – You don’t actually have any of it. You probably make 20x more than your allowance your parents used to give you, but you still have nothing to show for it. Your needs suddenly outweigh your wallet. Every. Damn. Time.
2. Responsibilities – For some reason, that sink isn’t cleaning the dishes like it used to. My car needs service how often?! WHY ISN’T MY DRIVEWAY CLEARED OF SNOW!? You mean none of that happened on it’s own before? Oh…
3. Expectations – Now you have to listen to society. You’re supposed to get married and then buy a house and then have kids and then send them to school. But you still face problem #1. Did anyone ever think about that shit?
4. Old Age – So life tells you that you have to make money by working your whole life, spend money on things to keep you alive, but it’s going to make sure you’re body is slowly going through the process of decay. Your bones get weaker, your body starts to wrinkle, your muscles start to make the sound “flab” every time you move it. How do you win this?
5. Time – You’re best friends with time now. The 1AM mornings you’re so used to seeing is now your 9PM bed time homie. Remember running on 3 hours of sleep and killing that test the next morning? Now anything less than 8 and you’re pretty much a useless limp dick at work.
6. Rivalries – Now it’s not just about who’s the fastest at riding their bike back home. It’s about who has the best house, the best car, the best clothes, the best job, the best pay cheque, and that list goes on and on. You can’t avoid it either because if you aren’t competing with anybody who is a somebody, you’re pretty much a nobody. WHAT IS LIFE?!
7. Plastic – I don’t mean credit card plastic. I mean you now have to intentionally be fake in order to get by without being an asshole. Nobody (mostly) wants to be an asshole at the break table. Don’t read this like you don’t do it either – fake a smile or laugh at someone’s joke just cause everyone else is, except you would rather talk about the dirt on the ground with the imaginary guy you just made up because he’s cooler than Joe Schmoe sitting across from you.
8. Jail – For most of us working 9-5 jobs, we’re pretty much in Life’s jail. We get up, we go to work, we go to the gym, we come home to eat dinner, we go to sleep and the cycle repeats. For the most part you can probably add a little laugh with your co-workers here and a little bit of TV there. The “get out of jail free” card is basically winning the lotto. Everybody wants it, but it’s about as rare as finding a fifty dollar bill in your winter jacket you wore last year and a stick of juicy fruit.

I think that’s all I came up with. I’m not a negative person by any means, although this list would beg to differ. I just like to humorously think of all the things in life that we all eventually have to go through. Life doesn’t suck, aspects of it can totally be the Debbie Downer of it though. Happy hump day!

(This is filler content lol)